tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-152780902011-07-28T09:05:21.207-05:00Don't mention it.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.comBlogger4371100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-67954161772295429932009-08-13T12:23:00.002-05:002009-08-13T12:26:06.613-05:00

I dare you to listen to this.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-88382218794964347892009-07-16T10:44:00.002-05:002009-07-16T10:45:46.851-05:00

Hey. Listen. You look like you've got something to say. Why not just say it?Sure, you could be mocked, dismissed, laughed at. Maybe misunderstood. No one likes to be misunderstood. But there is so much to gain. Your own peace of mind, for starters. You look really uncomfortable. C'mon, what is it?Speak up. You'll feel better.Go on.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-15358173633490013322009-07-14T23:13:00.006-05:002009-07-14T23:37:02.156-05:00

Hey, when you're on public transit or in a large crowd that could go rogue at any moment, do you develop escape plans in your head? Scope out the windows and check for big guys to hide behind and children to sacrifice? I do.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-41663401822284453862009-07-04T09:39:00.000-05:002009-07-04T09:39:00.895-05:00

Here's something to blow your mind during the fireworks.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-64949901842849800962009-07-03T11:48:00.000-05:002009-07-03T11:50:15.384-05:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-25622362953040874822009-06-23T11:47:00.004-05:002009-06-23T11:55:08.117-05:00

Your friends Ho and A. discuss current events.Ho: http://www.foxnews.com/Ho: i'm glad they're getting punny already!Ho: IN A LARGE FONTA.: THEY WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU COULD HEAR THEMHo: GET IT? ON TRACK? CUZ IT WAS A TRAIN? AND PEOPLE DIED?A.: IF THAT'S NOT CAUSE FOR SHOUTING (AND PUNS), I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!Ho: GENOCIDEA.: hahahahahaA.: you winA.: :-)Ho: this belongs on a blog somewhere

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-30488866732666459352009-06-16T18:30:00.002-05:002009-06-16T18:48:00.360-05:00

Our good friend Ho over at C&H beat us to the punch on this David Letterman stuff, but we must say, Sarah Palin continues to infuriate us in new and exciting ways.First of all, we are sick of seeing her smug, winking face all over the news when we do not even live in Alaska. Secondly, we never appreciate it when the victims of stupidity are pressured to apologize to the perpetrators of said

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-75386775452427214352009-06-07T17:14:00.002-05:002009-06-07T17:30:11.324-05:00

Wow. It's. Oh. We can't talk about writing right now. We have been on a writing bender and although we don't really remember the details, we may have embarrassed ourselves severely and there may have been witnesses.We can't stay in our head anymore. We need to get out. We need someone else to do our thinking for us, someone a whole lot smarter and more organized and less jumpy than we are. Please

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-74443097278787661902009-05-21T21:37:00.002-05:002009-05-21T21:44:54.948-05:00

Let us all take a moment to thank the unstable vagrants of the world for letting us know to stay away from them. We'll thank them from way over here.Thanks, fellas and ladies, for shouting incoherently at no one when you're still half a block ahead of us. Thanks for your unruly beards and telltale odors, and thank you also for shaking your fist (such a sincere fist-shake!) at the religious

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-59711129652858670282009-05-17T12:40:00.002-05:002009-05-17T15:51:41.992-05:00

We have been thinking about language. You are shocked to hear this.Specifically, we've been thinking about the ways in which language is helpful and the ways it limits us. Sometimes we are introduced to a word or expression in a language we don't speak -- a word for which there is no direct translation to any language we do speak, but that rings absolutely true for us. Yes, we think. That

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-56539549792600916042009-05-03T14:00:00.002-05:002009-05-03T14:16:02.319-05:00

Okay, really. We've had enough of the swine flu coverage.At the time of this posting, there are about eight hundred confirmed cases in the entire world. Six billion divided by eight hundred is, what, .000013 percent of the world's population? That's .00000537 cases per square kilometer of the land surface area of the planet. With one death. Meanwhile, just in the United States, something like a

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-53158955156548437742009-04-27T12:29:00.002-05:002009-04-27T12:41:19.481-05:00

Something is in the air. I feel like picking a fight.Not like an actual physical fight -- I don't do that -- but a battle of logic and wits. I want to cut down someone who deserves to be cut down. I want to be a crusader for the timid and the gullible and the intellectually defenseless. Maybe it's the warm weather.Bullshit artists of the world, beware. I'm quiet until provoked.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-84734972945510548442009-04-23T16:37:00.003-05:002009-04-23T16:42:26.061-05:00

A.: do you ever feel conflicted about sharing certain tastes (music, glasses) in common with hipsters?Ho: absolutely A.: me too Ho: especially when i look in the mirror and think, "wow, i'm a goofy hat or a stupid scarf away from being a hipster" A.: hahahahaA.: yet, it's SO funny when people make fun of hipsters Ho: it really doesn't get any betterHo: what separates us is a different kind of

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-51353702530415688902009-04-22T12:56:00.001-05:002009-04-22T12:58:09.951-05:00

What are you doing here? Yeah, you. Be honest.You didn't think I noticed you were there? I notice everything. I can't help it. Believe me, if I could choose what to notice and what not to notice, I would be happily oblivious to at least half the crap I currently notice.What are you looking for? Or have you found it already? I'm just trying to understand. I didn't expect to see you here.Think

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-61991113205640826522009-04-20T15:04:00.003-05:002009-04-20T15:07:26.330-05:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-21846206821568142062009-04-16T09:27:00.002-05:002009-04-16T09:33:06.595-05:00

Large volume of carbohydrates consumed just prior to sleeping yields crazy-ass dreams. Seriously, people, whether it's cake or cheesy bread, you do not want to go down this road.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-3687647442805586692009-04-14T19:22:00.005-05:002009-04-14T21:36:32.542-05:00

There is no excuse for the sparse posting except if you count my the number of pieces into which my creativity has divided itself. There are not enough hours in the day for all the stuff I need to read and write. But I'll be around.In the meantime, I need to pass on this video sent to me recently by culture critic and level-five ninja Lady Esmerelda W., who is currently on assignment in the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-32324127011209208412009-04-06T20:15:00.000-05:002009-04-06T20:30:37.253-05:00

A few more thoughts on spring cleaning:Sometimes we are not ready to part with things we should have parted with a long time ago. Records, debts, expired insurance cards, credit-card offers with our full names and addresses on them, old shirts, jeans that never fit right but that we bought because they were cheap and we were broke. It's like that year or so when you're a kid and you realize

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-71310353104751217632009-04-05T12:25:00.002-05:002009-04-05T12:47:16.824-05:00

Hey, kids! It's spring cleaning day here at A. Now HQ, and holy crap are we throwing things away.No sound* is sweeter to our ears than the music of unnecessary documents hitting the shredder Brother L. was nice enough to let us borrow. We are digging up stuff we didn't have time to throw away when we moved. We are also recycling the old clothes we couldn't quite part with despite knowing we would

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-46214759254591027862009-03-25T15:10:00.002-05:002009-03-25T15:14:13.348-05:00

An evil little part of me hopes the Republican Party picks this nut to run for president in 2012 just so I can harp constantly on the fact that he once participated in an exorcism, then wrote about it for all the internets to see. I can't wait to remind everyone -- at least hourly -- that this man 1) believes in demons or evil spirits or whatever ill-defined, invisible bogeymen the kids are

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-48661537328095039872009-03-23T15:13:00.000-05:002009-03-23T15:14:20.554-05:00

You know how sometimes the strangest and most distant people pop into your head right before they call or write or make themselves known in some other way? Like maybe you have a very vivid dream about them in which they are even more themselves than they are in real life -- and you, too, are an extreme version of yourself, wearing the fundamentals of your personality on your sleeve, saying things

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-55674644483489220992009-03-18T07:00:00.002-05:002009-03-18T07:00:00.800-05:00

To all the men I saw wearing kilts last night: Please do not pretend you wouldn't wear one every single (warm) day if it were socially acceptable. You don't fool me. And I'm on your side. I think men should be allowed to wear skirts. Why not? It's just some fabric. Widespread (giggle) male skirt-wearing would be good for morale, and in July and August, it would practically eliminate swamp-crotch.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-64246843578565698102009-03-17T10:10:00.000-05:002009-03-17T10:10:00.592-05:00

I like this nerd-empowerment thing. I like nerd chic. But I cannot endorse the partial adoption of nerd culture for fashion purposes.For fake nerds who are just now jumping on the bandwagon (and who will, without question, be the first to jump off when the time comes), I offer the following metaphor. Think about your horn-rimmed glasses the way you'd think about a fine fur coat. Just as a

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-66048604743714911692009-03-16T07:02:00.002-05:002009-03-16T07:02:00.143-05:00

The first thing I want to know is, what were you doing puking pre-11 p.m.?Next: You started throwing up on the train platform. Why, then, did you calmly progress to the enclosed staircase? Bad form, junior. Next time, go over the back rail, there. Don't worry -- no one will be standing under it. It's all fenced off.And finally: You were awfully nonchalant about the whole affair. Perhaps you

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-1478135697191007002009-03-15T00:00:00.002-05:002009-03-15T00:00:01.134-05:00

At press time, Brutus could not be reached for comment.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-29822031133220340282009-03-10T14:30:00.002-05:002009-03-10T14:41:02.031-05:00

Does anyone actually use the disposable toilet-seat covers available in most public restrooms? I don't think I've ever seen a full box of them. Doesn't everyone know that the toilet seat is the cleanest, most sanitary surface in the whole bathroom?I also wonder how many natural resources go into producing those (completely worthless) seat covers each year. How many public restrooms exist in the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-8432056308097996112009-03-09T19:51:00.002-05:002009-03-09T19:53:09.862-05:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-63153874400913025642009-03-06T09:11:00.002-06:002009-03-06T09:21:20.967-06:00

You know what I like? Waking up to a sun-filled apartment and outdoor air so warm you barely need long sleeves. I like fresh bagels and iced coffee. A morning containing all of these items, I might have thought a mere hour ago, could hardly get any better. How, surrounded by such things, could one possibly feel more alive?Then I saw this. Holy [expletiving] [expletive]. If that doesn't make every

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-22373881462340236252009-03-03T17:33:00.002-06:002009-03-03T17:41:41.600-06:00

NapPlanValidationConditionerCalmDocument shredderMuseOrangesBody doubleVacation

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-881709161373611642009-03-01T21:56:00.003-06:002009-03-01T22:01:56.462-06:00

In case you couldn't get out of bed this morning on account of the weather, your friends here at A. Now just wanted to remind you that February is over.Also, you don't know it yet, but my friend Ho is standing by at C&H to show you the strangest thing you've ever seen.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-50119590510846326192009-02-25T10:36:00.000-06:002009-02-25T10:36:03.005-06:00

Student One spends basically all three hours of class scribbling furiously notes for something completely unrelated to class.Somewhere in these notes, there is a kick-ass metaphor that will not be reproduced or even hinted at here because Student One doesn't want anyone to steal it.As Student One and classmates are gathering at the coat rack after class, the following exchange takes place:Student

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-37427957202808147552009-02-24T18:22:00.002-06:002009-02-24T18:34:03.190-06:00

Are you ready? Maybe you didn't notice, but this is the last week of February. Yes, and we can feel the ice on our hearts cracking and melting away. We miss our heroes who died last year and our far-flung friends and the sunshine and probably a few other people we probably shouldn't, but we are collecting ourselves. We are waiting. We are ready.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-54243789305624175552009-02-23T21:38:00.002-06:002009-02-23T21:43:26.473-06:00

If you take a swing at a spider and miss and then it gets away, aren't you always a little worried about it coming back for revenge? Like maybe it would have left you alone before, but now it's super pissed and hiding somewhere, cooking up sinister plans involving every last one of its many superfluous eyes and legs? I can think of few things more worrisome.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-9084499379672396752009-02-20T15:06:00.002-06:002009-02-20T15:11:33.151-06:00

.cc_box a:hover .cc_home{background:url('http://www.comedycentral.com/comedycentral/video/assets/syndicated-logo-over.png') !important;}.cc_links a{color:#b9b9b9;text-decoration:none;}.cc_show a{color:#707070;text-decoration:none;}.cc_title a{color:#868686;text-decoration:none;}.cc_links a:hover{color:#67bee2;text-decoration:underline;}Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30cPower

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-87578451487625686592009-02-16T22:52:00.002-06:002009-02-16T23:08:56.780-06:00

You're probably asking yourself, "Am I going about this all wrong?"The answer to this question is probably Yes, and that is as it should be. People who do things right have little to learn and less to teach others.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-72345045936703572692009-02-15T17:39:00.002-06:002009-02-15T17:42:25.915-06:00

A word to the wise: If you forget about a container of mushrooms in the back of your fridge and it stays there long enough, it probably won't smell bad. This is one reason you'll be able to forget it's there. It won't smell bad, but it will liquify. Just something to keep in mind.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-91469055688038449392009-02-14T11:21:00.002-06:002009-02-14T11:25:39.909-06:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-72534774613015119392009-02-13T10:55:00.001-06:002009-02-13T10:57:46.957-06:00

I have this dream sometimes that my teeth are chipping and breaking and popping right off of their roots in my mouth. Sometimes I'll try to put a tooth or a tooth fragment back where it was, and if I concentrate hard and hold it there just right, it will re-attach and then I will wake up in a cold sweat. Last night it ended much differently. The tooth-breaking was worse than usual. I had a whole

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-9207889418340242832009-02-12T11:27:00.002-06:002009-02-12T11:41:45.059-06:00

1. Eating my own lunch, brought from home, while reading a book2. Scramble match3. C-SPAN4. Cartography lesson5. Walking in the rain without an umbrella6. Nap7. 271 bee stings8. Beer with 43rd president9. Afternoon at megachurch10. Explaining elementary rules of English language to 43rd president11. Paying gas bill

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-37707649608844018622009-02-10T17:41:00.000-06:002009-02-10T17:41:41.303-06:00

You know who I think of every so often? The girl who hated me in high school.I wonder if her hatred of me was just a passing fancy and what she'd think if she saw me today. Would she still hate me with blinding ferocity, or would she merely shrug and say A. who now? I didn't know then what I did to incur her wrath (she wouldn't tell me), but I did notice that she was working very hard to make me

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-6030004905355942432009-02-09T15:14:00.002-06:002009-02-09T15:17:49.788-06:00

Some of you have been asking about yesterday.I opened a window to let in some air and sunlight yesterday morning, and when I turned around it was there. This black thing. This — furry? — black thing near the ceiling. Just hanging there, apparently stuck to the wall. You may be wondering, as I did, Jesus Christ what the hell was it. I called J. and Z. and said Oh my god there is this thing. I

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-83763936879123037192009-02-08T10:36:00.002-06:002009-02-08T10:36:01.228-06:00

The February Fake-Out hit Chicago yesterday. Sunny. Warm enough during the warmest part of the day for t-shirts. It was incredible.Something happens to me when the first whiff of spring reaches my brain. A switch flips and my eye twitches a little, like the eye of a junkie who's just escaped from rehab.Oh, I know it won't last. I know we'll be back below freezing later this week. But I'll be

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-33585183744442855682009-02-03T16:56:00.002-06:002009-02-03T17:10:45.958-06:00

How not to spend it if you were a large bank, I mean. And the reason you needed to be bailed out in the first place is that you placed a series of bad bets on people you knew couldn't afford to pay back the money you loaned them.What I'm saying is, once you've accepted government aid, probably you'll want to avoid using it to take the people who signed off on the most of those bets on an

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-49502774274232253812009-02-02T12:52:00.001-06:002009-02-02T12:54:26.901-06:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-16803936877586621702009-02-01T18:33:00.005-06:002009-02-01T19:13:54.937-06:00

Alright, listen: I know these last several entries have been sort of unbearable, and I expect my mood will improve steadily as the days get longer and warmer, but can we all please stop what we are doing and have a little chat about the sporting event that is supposed to be capturing my imagination today (and which I believe explains the unusually large and rowdy and irritating crowd of people at

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-82118785107902423432009-01-29T17:10:00.002-06:002009-01-29T17:31:05.977-06:00

January is on its way out. Slush is on its way in.The best-known slush metaphor (at least in the circles I run in) is the copy editor's dreaded "slush pile." Slush pile's basically a euphemism for "stuff no one wants, and holy crap is there a lot of it." Apt. But I'd like to propose another.Slush is what happens when a cold unpleasant thing that has been building and building and dominating the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-1733637241993421962009-01-26T07:51:00.003-06:002009-01-26T07:56:21.364-06:00

One -- maybe the only -- nice thing about weather like this is the way strangers can sometimes enjoy the train platform even though it's the middle of the night and it is eyeball-singeing cold. They can be crowded into the shelter under the heat lamps and one can be on the phone, breaking the dead cold silence with Really? Seriously? You really want to say that right now? Now everyone on the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-65153453891476221542009-01-20T14:24:00.002-06:002009-01-20T14:54:45.664-06:00

On my morning commute today, I saw some city workers dragging what appeared to be a sewage pipe into a Taco Bell. Right through the front door. It was one of those long plastic bendy pipes like they use to drain motor-home toilets. I didn't stop to ask what they were doing, but if I had to guess, I'd say it involved a very unpleasant beginning to someone's day. Imagine: You're already working the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-14010139640689631912009-01-16T15:15:00.002-06:002009-01-16T15:19:19.580-06:00

No. No. Really? Okay. We need to have a talk.You survived a plane crash. You are rattled. I would be rattled, too. But listen: When you say that The Deity was looking out for you personally and that is why you survived, what you are actually saying is this:1. There is a deity that intervenes directly in human affairs.2. The Deity has the power to prevent plane crash-related deaths.3. The Deity

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-43848923684539255732009-01-15T20:44:00.002-06:002009-01-15T20:49:39.038-06:00

If any of those crash survivors go on to win the lottery while being struck by lightning, *that* will be a story.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-69068518273043713732009-01-12T14:48:00.000-06:002009-01-12T14:49:10.246-06:00

1. The way the lanes in the road disappear and the whole thing sort of blends into the curb and the sidewalk after a massive snowstorm.2. The deep blue sky. (You won't see much of it, but when you do, you'll like it.)3. Tall shadows.4. Crazy-e-mail-offs.5. Climbing to the tops of the giant snow heaps in parking lots.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-54970124609352100272009-01-07T16:37:00.001-06:002009-01-07T16:37:27.475-06:00

One really effective way to convince people that you're smart is to smile wryly and say nothing. For some reason, people associate silent wryness with intelligence. Be careful, though, because they also associate silence with malevolence, especially when they think you're smart.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-54819856653652398552009-01-05T07:03:00.002-06:002009-01-05T07:14:24.145-06:00

Maybe it's different for you, but I've noticed that being more or less fully awake before seven a.m. always gives me the sense that I am the last person on earth after the rapture. The feeling is powerful no matter how I ended up awake at that hour or how many people I know to be asleep nearby or sitting down to dinner on the other side of the world. I think it's nature's way of letting me know

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-33486730928308116152009-01-01T20:04:00.001-06:002009-01-01T20:07:17.373-06:00

Phew. Everybody okay?Sorry for the extended absence, but it was that time of year. Now it is a different time of year.Last year at this time I was stuck on a bus in a blizzard. No, really. It was a long, slow ride. Ritz crackers and soda from a truckstop for dinner. I was half cross-eyed and hoping to conquer fear itself in 2008, but so far it wasn't going well. I was in that bus for like eight

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-28305036261541074802008-12-21T14:04:00.004-06:002008-12-21T14:10:18.947-06:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-54498308307275244582008-12-18T11:42:00.001-06:002008-12-18T11:42:00.624-06:00

An obnoxious sign (pictured at right) is posted near a totally harmless holiday display. An obnoxious person or persons steals the sign. Shrill arguments ensue.It is the position of this internet space that everyone should believe whatever they want (but that evidence and logic should always trump belief in matters of public policy). We can't blame certain non-religious people for getting all

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-66079227708142407772008-12-11T14:20:00.001-06:002008-12-11T14:22:53.804-06:00

Hi, I'm A., and I'll be your writer today. I'll be back in a minute with your extended metaphors, but first I just wanted to tell you a couple of things about the menu. Our similes are all homemade -- they're like a goddamn ruffled shooting star, the muse is fond of saying -- and our character arcs are extremely tender. None of our sentences contain semicolons, but you can still order them à la

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-55451830655895442512008-12-10T11:29:00.002-06:002008-12-10T11:31:13.962-06:00

The phones have been ringing off the hook here at A. Now HQ since the latest corrupt-Chicago-politician news broke yesterday. Below, you'll find the answers to a few of the most frequently asked questions. Q. How did this guy get re-elected, anyway?A. Money. Plus there's LSD in the water.Q. The gov.'s wife was quoted thusly in the Trib: "Hold up that [expletive] Cubs [expletive]." Couldn't the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-28472444534882549432008-12-07T16:37:00.002-06:002008-12-07T17:05:25.877-06:00

Oh, hey, December. Didn't expect to see you here. Yeah, wow, it's been a year already. What's, uh, what's been going on? Are you still working for that guy? Yeah? Still dating that psycho? Oh, no? For January? Ouch. Sorry I brought it up.Listen, December, let's not do this anymore. It always happens just like this. You bluster in out of nowhere with your sub-zero temperatures, your soul-crushing

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-28956775174327924832008-12-04T23:17:00.002-06:002008-12-04T23:36:20.308-06:00

If heaven is full of people from rural areas in the southern United States -- the kinds of people who shoot abortion doctors and dislike evidence-based reasoning -- is it really heaven? For whom?And what about those heinous motherfuckers who shot up Mumbai last week? Surely they have special seats reserved at the table. And let's not even consider the ghastly possibility of immortal Christian

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-72783427319378115962008-12-02T19:19:00.002-06:002008-12-02T19:22:53.745-06:00

I'm pretty sure someone left a water bottle full of urine on the train today. I guess that's better than leaving the urine on the floor, but still pretty gross.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-70275150414530078482008-11-29T09:42:00.000-06:002008-11-29T09:42:00.219-06:00

1. Make sure someone brings the most (unintentionally) hilariously named vodka in all of vodkadom.2. Notice at some point in the afternoon that your kitchen sink is backed up. Understand that no water will flow cleanly through the pipes for at least forty-eight hours.3. Play. Great. Music.4. The next day, call your landlord and object to the sink situation. Buy caustic chemicals. Try vinegar, too

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-49005341514385410922008-11-27T08:35:00.001-06:002008-11-27T08:35:01.115-06:00

Your assignment this year is to feel thankful for something that drives you crazy and that you didn't want in the first place. Like that feeling that starts way down in the pit of your stomach and works its way up your neck to the blood vessels in your face the moment you realize you could not have been more wrong about something you took for granted. Or like the incredible clarity you feel when

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-8020939099526347292008-11-25T22:24:00.003-06:002008-11-25T22:28:19.783-06:00

Most people should just skip this post. However: If you understand the "obscure geek joke" at 1:24, then you are a geek after my own geeky heart.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-66699228269199725472008-11-21T17:11:00.002-06:002008-11-21T17:23:13.145-06:00

A. and onetime mad barber Ho yuk it up via e-mail:A.: This will never stop being funny.Ho: No, it really won't. Still, I would argue that there should be an 'A' key on there, too. I have another joke for you: SARAH PALIN.A.: ahahahahahaha(gasp)hahahahahaHo: I think the last time simply mentioning a person's name could inspire such laughter was... Joey Buttafucco.A.: Buttafucco-induced laughter is

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-56512491139191405692008-11-19T22:06:00.002-06:002008-11-19T22:09:57.274-06:00

Listen, I hate to be the sort of person who posts poetry on her internet space, but something about impending winter always activates the Robert Frost center of my brain. Frost is my favorite poet and the author of my favorite poem, reproduced below without any permission at all.Too Anxious for Rivers Look down the long valley and there stands a mountain That someone has said is the end of the

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-40573092476838879252008-11-10T20:07:00.003-06:002008-11-10T20:15:11.365-06:00

Rassafrassin' carbon monoxide won't stop trying to kill me.I've lived in only two apartments since that city mandate that we all need CO detectors installed in our apartments, and in both apartments my detector has been the only one in the entire building to go off. Multiple times.It's not that I don't appreciate any opportunity to have my apartment crawling with firemen, but this is really

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-60563533443144322152008-11-08T11:16:00.002-06:002008-11-08T11:25:52.042-06:00

Attention sidewalk bicycle-riders over the age of eleven: Take that shit into the street. Some of us are trying to walk over here.If you must stay on the sidewalk, try not to ride directly into me when I am walking in front of you and we are moving in the same direction, especially when I am all the way over on the right side of the sidewalk and there are several feet of perfectly good concrete

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-42501954908107479512008-11-06T07:43:00.002-06:002008-11-06T07:52:55.365-06:00

There's been a lot of fuss about some contest that took place earlier this week. Something to do with politicians and a stunning victory for the forces of goodness. I was just getting ready to investigate when I found out a bunch of bigots voted -- again! -- not to let my gay friends get married.It's time the rest of us stepped up our rhetoric on this issue, because clearly the stuff about human

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-13537037297004048292008-11-04T23:49:00.002-06:002008-11-04T23:51:21.803-06:00

Dear the state of Ohio,You know what? You're alright.Love,A.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-21707888200781013462008-11-03T20:34:00.002-06:002008-11-03T20:36:30.123-06:00

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-27160273632457423482008-10-30T23:14:00.002-05:002008-10-30T23:18:46.957-05:00

1. When you get your new card, your old one will still work.2. There's no need to reset the autopay function on your phone, internet, electricity, gas, or transit card accounts.3. A collection agency will not attempt to contact you at your parents' house.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-61384545072080865652008-10-29T20:04:00.002-05:002008-10-29T20:09:03.432-05:00

1. don delillo2. all carlin's stuff3. renegade nurse4. vitamin v5. chipotle6. in-hospital starbucks7. impending obama victory8. photo story9. fly trap

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-23278700164409949202008-10-27T19:09:00.002-05:002008-10-27T19:15:45.240-05:00

1. a long train ride2. a doberman pinscher named cuddles3. woodward ave.4. sherlock holmes (interactive)5. moose6. caffeine7. a lot of time8. a lot of peppers9. flat iron

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-26634440130807892292008-10-21T21:41:00.002-05:002008-10-21T21:51:43.739-05:00

There is just way too much going on in the world right now. It's difficult to find any one thing to pay attention to, especially when your attention is seized by pressing local matters. For example: the shower. It hums and squeals even when there is nobody in it. The pipes are old and the water heater is schizophrenic and if you are lucky you might have one quietish shower in which the water is

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-23224915368303059392008-10-14T17:24:00.005-05:002008-10-14T20:21:27.541-05:00

Sorry posting has been sparse, readers, but adventures abound in the fall in the Windy City. It's beautiful outside, giant piles of meticulously raked leaves are sprouting up again, begging to be leaped into, and some of us are up to our eyeballs in homework. Not to mention oh my god the Mountain Goats show.Commence John Darnielle lovefest in 3, 2, 1:Every once in a while, lucky people like us

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-13277568180455810722008-10-08T17:05:00.000-05:002008-10-08T17:05:14.206-05:00

A. and friends analyze last night's debate in real time, via text message.Z: McCain needs to stop calling me his friend.J: I just got a fortune that says "Hugs are life's rainbows." I'm not even kidding. If I believed in fate I'd say it's dicking with me.A: I just got a text from Z. that says "McCain needs to stop calling me his friend."J: Yeah, I assumed he wasn't talking to me. We're not

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-38418113879559728292008-10-01T22:20:00.003-05:002008-10-01T22:43:12.428-05:00

Oh. Oh, children. I am in high spirits and it's not just because the senator from Illinois might actually win Florida in November.It's been years since I felt this way, had this strong, sharp sense of being in exactly the right place at the right time, the sense that I am doing something right and not merely avoiding doing something wrong. It's electrifying.At first I thought my recently

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-23314424680510545502008-09-29T20:45:00.002-05:002008-09-29T20:57:33.110-05:00

I've been trying really really hard to get inside the minds of the rich assholes who got us all into this mess, and walking downtown I almost felt the barest glimmer of empathy. Shuffling past people who have nothing, people who hope for a little change, and thinking how you're just trying to get by and maybe give the occasional gift to someone you love, it's hard not to to think of the rich

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-68221709149447221252008-09-28T10:28:00.003-05:002008-09-28T10:33:58.019-05:00

This recent text-message exchange is reproduced here as a public service.Z: The man sitting in front of me on the train - yet another reason that men should never be allowed to use self tanners.A: The reasons outnumber the stars.Z: So true.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-89587730751258896372008-09-18T20:05:00.002-05:002008-09-18T20:08:34.717-05:00

I've never said this publicly before, but I think the jig's up, so I'm going to go ahead and admit I don't believe in angels. This isn't a terribly bold move for me. In fact, angels are just one item on a very long list of things I don't believe in, a list that includes leprechauns, ghosts, unicorns, werewolves, magic carpets, demons, the misfortune said to befall members of my immediate family

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-11518726049144720542008-09-17T19:03:00.002-05:002008-09-17T19:09:31.872-05:00

You haven't really seen yourself until you've looked at you through someone else's eyes. That's how you learn all the really good stuff, like about your strength and beauty and whatnot, and it's also how you learn that you are too sick to be at work. Remember that.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-4108114489711641122008-09-14T13:03:00.003-05:002008-09-14T13:24:52.874-05:00

We know it's going to take a long time to recover from this year's catastrophic reduction in American brainpower, but in the meantime, we hope to see a lot more of this on network television:

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-49181393404961614212008-09-14T10:58:00.003-05:002008-09-14T11:04:50.883-05:00

"It is sometimes tempting to imagine that there can be such a thing as a private language. Many of us are prone to lay-philosophizing about the weird privacy of our own mental states, for example; and from the fact that when my knee hurts only I can feel it, it's tempting to conclude that for me the word pain has a very subjective internal meaning that only I can truly understand. This line of

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-6897525930351590622008-09-11T18:59:00.000-05:002008-09-11T19:00:35.840-05:00

This isn't a political blog, but I write about things I see, and right now I see the most terrifying woman since that one really mean substitute teacher in elementary school within peeing distance of the second-highest office in the land and I do not like it. No indeed.That Sarah Palin person represents nearly everything in the world that I despise: Dumb women (or worse, smart women who act dumb)

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-59701045111034199772008-09-10T23:20:00.002-05:002008-09-10T23:26:20.560-05:00

Dear adorably eager undergraduates,Do not wear your university ID and/or dorm keys around your neck. You look even more ridiculous than the rest of us when you do that. Trust me. In about a week and a half, all your new friends will have realized the error of their ways and tucked their lanyards into their bags. Help them along by setting a good example. They'll thank you later.Love,A.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-74402626715071272452008-09-09T18:31:00.002-05:002008-09-09T18:40:59.051-05:00

Don't ask me why, but all I can think about these days are particles and infinity and the tendency of arrangements of finite things to appear again and again, over and over, if you get far enough away from them. I'm no scientist, but I see it everywhere. Maybe it's an allegory or maybe it isn't. Maybe there are only so many ways the wires in a brain can be crossed and you're bound to run into a

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-13792864648937826382008-09-04T23:02:00.002-05:002008-09-04T23:10:42.529-05:00

It has been raining in Chicago for nearly 24 hours. This would be an excellent time to challenge your neighbor to a game of Count the Metaphors.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-31821372121340527842008-08-31T08:09:00.002-05:002008-08-31T08:14:00.430-05:00

It's moving day and the only thing I care about is that moving means I will be escaping the mysterious phone located somewhere just across the building that rings and rings and no one ever answers it. Seriously, it's just like in that episode of Pete and Pete. I won't miss it.Internet scheduled to be up and running in New Apartment sometime Wednesday. Posting may be sparse. Stay tuned.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-47361329586772864832008-08-30T12:12:00.002-05:002008-08-30T12:23:43.545-05:00

If you're like me, you maintain a full library of magnetic poetry on your fridge door. It's one of the last things you take down before moving because it's such a huge pain in the ass and also because once you've lived in a place for a while, once enough visitors have breezed through, the words take on a life of their own. You look them over now and again, and often you find that someone has

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-24716919227941027732008-08-29T10:38:00.002-05:002008-08-29T10:42:01.182-05:00

Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2008 11:26:20 -0400From: C. RoommateTo: A.Subject: For one brief grammar-pun-filled moment, David Brooks was my hero."For this election isn't about the past or the present, or even the pluperfect conditional. It's about the future, and Barack Obama loves the future because that's where all his accomplishments are."Then, of course, I looked at what he was actually saying, and

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-12355896538537384512008-08-29T07:58:00.002-05:002008-08-29T08:09:43.151-05:00

They might revoke my Chicago credentials for this, but I have to say it: I don't care for Cubs fans. I just don't.It's not that I'm anti-Cubs. Nothing warms my heart quite like a lifelong underdog, but Cubs fans flood into my commute and make me late for things. They are drunk in the streets and they howl and travel in packs and many of them also seem to enjoy Jimmy Buffet.Note to Cubs fans who

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-4230380045684952932008-08-27T20:09:00.002-05:002008-08-27T20:21:41.970-05:00

You know this feeling: It's moving day and you suddenly realize there's a bunch of crap in the refrigerator and if you ever want to see your security deposit again you're going to have to clean it out. You may be tempted to bolt and just pay the fine. Do not force this decision on yourself.Instead, consume as much of the food in your fridge as you can before moving day. If you're smart and plan

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-19843075043046557942008-08-26T20:41:00.003-05:002008-08-27T20:24:34.133-05:00

It sure is a good thing I don't write about [REDACTED] in this space. If I did, I'd probably have something unflattering to say about [ALSO REDACTED]. But I am young and intertube savvy and I know better than to write one word regarding [EVEN MORE REDACTED]. Google never forgets, especially not when you write about something as inherently interesting as [HELLO, (REDACTED)? THIS BLOG POST CALLED,

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-78047284412319241392008-08-24T13:39:00.002-05:002008-08-24T13:51:49.859-05:00

You cannot overstate the feeling of power that comes from having simultaneous control of every washer and dryer in your entire apartment building. Your whims dictate the laundry schedule for all of the poor suckers who slept in this morning. Maybe at some point you'll decide to be charitable and give up one of the washers, but maybe not. Maybe you've got a bunch of throwrugs to wash. Your

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-39855517368310313582008-08-22T11:06:00.004-05:002008-08-22T11:12:46.456-05:00

This tomato plant is the world's toughest living organism. So far, it has survived a brush with waterlogged death after a summer downpour and a barrage of construction dust from the apartment next door.Soon, my pretties.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-4463281292317556982008-08-21T14:57:00.003-05:002008-08-24T23:22:12.314-05:00

You'll want to clean out your closet every so often. Your literal closet, I mean. Not the one you keep your skeletons in. I mean the closet with old papers and old clothes and old horrifying journal entries in it, the closet that contains roughly 40 percent identifiable junk and 20 percent detritus.Where did you get this little block of wood, and what is it doing in the closet? Whose t-shirt is

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-14819888240482006062008-08-17T13:54:00.002-05:002008-08-17T14:21:47.834-05:00

1. Hey, everybody! Wouldn't it be great if we invited car-enthusiast assholes from all over the country to bring their giant, ancient, gas-guzzling, two-parking-space-hogging -- but restored and shiny! -- cars and trucks to our city for a twisted sort of parade where everyone drives real slow down the mainest main street we have for two whole days during the hottest part of summer? Just think:

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-4506490814793734632008-08-14T20:46:00.002-05:002008-08-14T20:59:17.034-05:00

You can tell a lot about people based on how they look at you when you're walking down a busy street carrying a cardboard box filled with smaller boxes and the largest box doesn't have handles on it and is too large for you to get your arms around completely. While you shift the unwieldy containers from shoulder to hip to shoulder, turn them sideways or balance them on your head or drag them

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15278090.post-38883935961004195142008-08-12T22:37:00.002-05:002008-08-12T22:39:19.417-05:00

Living in the city is great, but one terrible consequence is that sometimes you forget to look up at the night sky. City dwellers, don't let this happen to you.

A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05967967109379212058noreply@blogger.com0